My nerves have been so on edge for the past month. I have been irritable, exhausted, and nauseous. My sleeping and eating habits have been total shit. It has felt fucking awful.
The first few weeks of the stay at home order felt great. I was productive and getting stuff done. Then it went downhill, and fast.
I have felt like a live wire that could burst into flames at any moment. There have been tears, lots of them. There have been a lot of angry outbursts and periods of frustration. Most of it has been around things that would not typically upset me.
My window of tolerance has diminished, significantly.
I have tried distracting myself. That did not work for long. My attention span has also shrunk to the size of a fruit fly. The novelty and appeal wore off really quick of “doing fun things.” It would numb me out temporarily but it didn’t solve the deeper issues. It only served to make me feel more helpless and emotional. That spiral turned into guilt and shame and feeling selfish.
It was a “Rona-coaster.” I was getting severe “emotion sickness.” But I couldn’t get off the nightmare ride or make it stop. At least, it felt that way.
Day in and day out, I am educating clients on taking control of their emotions and not allowing their emotions to take control of them. I am giving them all of my tools and tricks to help them cope better, through a pandemic and just with life in general.
Things that I know work. I know they work because I have used them in the past.
Yet, I wasn’t taking my own advice. I was trying to avoid dealing with things. I was afraid of letting my guard down and allowing myself to relax, even if just for a brief moment. I was terrified of getting sick or something else bad happening. The truth is, that could happen anyway.
I was living my life in fear and I didn’t need to do that.
I felt awful.
Then, I woke up yesterday, again feeling exhausted and irritable and dreading facing another day in quarantine. I said “fuck it” and went back to sleep. When I woke up again a few hours later, I said to myself again “fuck it.” Yet this time I decided to get up and have the best day possible. I made the choice to have a better attitude and stay in control of my emotions.
Was it the best day ever? No.
Did it make all of my problems go away? No.
But I was able to let go of some of my fear and relax. I realized that I have a choice over how I feel. I also know that it isn’t any easy choice to make.
I can choose to lean into the bad and allow myself to feel those emotions. It’s okay to do that. Oddly enough, it can make things less intense. Sometimes.
What was happening to me was what might be happening to some of you. My emotions saw an opening and decided to take over my entire mind and body. It was toxic. It became overwhelming and scary. That was when I knew this was beyond leaning in. I had to make a change.
I needed to take my own advice.
I am now choosing to reframe my fear. I am choosing to take back the power from my emotions and show up for myself. I am choosing to get more creative with how I think about things that are happening in my own life in relation to what is going on in the world. I am choosing to shift from focusing on negative fear based thoughts and into positive and hopeful thoughts about my future.
I am making this choice for me. And I am not going to feel shame in showing up for myself in the ways that I need to during this time of crisis.