I was always the “go along and follow the rules” girl when I was younger. I struggled to make good grades and would constantly compare myself to my “much smarter and more driven” friends. In fact, this is probably where my anxiety started. I just wasn’t fully aware of it.
I never felt good enough.
When I started thinking about “after high school” and applying to college, I was clueless. Even though I went to a college preparatory school, I did not feel prepared at all. It felt like all of my friends knew exactly what they wanted to do. All I knew was that I wanted to attend college. I never felt like I was good at anything.
The fact was, I had never been truly given the opportunity to explore that for myself. We didn’t have that many elective classes to choose from outside of art, physical education, and additional religious-based classes. It was a traditional private, catholic school learning environment. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, but it just didn’t give a lot of opportunity for self-exploration.
Don’t get me wrong. I am very grateful for my education. I just wish I had been able to explore more about myself and other opportunities to prepare me for after graduation. Going to college was the right choice for me. I knew that was going to be my path all along. I just felt a bit forced into it.
I started undergrad three weeks after I finished high school. It was the only way I was able to attend my dream school. This was somewhat decided for me, but I am glad it worked out the way it did. Attending a large university over the summer before my freshman year allowed me to get to know the campus before there were thousands of students everywhere.
My first year I had no idea what I wanted my major to be. I thought it would be psychology because I wanted to be a forensic psychologist. That track was just not in my plan at 18 years old. I was more focused on making friends and staying up all night for no reason. As far as classes went, I took the core classes that were required for most areas of study.
At the end of that year, my advisor informed me “you have to declare a major because you have reached the maximum amount of credit hours for an ‘undeclared’ student.”
Uh. What? I’m still not good at anything. I am mediocre at everything. I know what I am not good at, math and science. I will go with that.
These are some of the exact thoughts I had in moving forward with choosing my life path.
I randomly chose to be an interior design major. Or I guess I should say it was “recommended” to me since I have always been creative. I had never really studied art. I still felt I didn’t belong in that program. I had to choose something.
In order to be admitted to the art school, I had to submit a portfolio. Then I had to submit another portfolio to get into the interior design program. I had never done this before in my life. Again, I felt like all of my classmates were ahead of me and had studied art during high school to prepare them for this moment.
But I did it. And I was accepted to both on the first try. After I was accepted, I learned that both of these programs were “highly competitive.” And they wanted me. Maybe I wasn’t so mediocre after all.
For the next four years, I thrived. I also struggled but I was in my zone. I was able to fully express myself and learn to be me. I didn’t have to sit in boring, traditional classes anymore. I worked hard and had fun.
But once again, I didn’t feel totally prepared for the next step. After graduation, I went through another major life shift. My life became a major struggle and my mental health declined quickly.
I moved into a design job that my parents helped me get. At first, I was so excited. It felt like something I could put my energy into and work on refocusing. That feeling quickly went downhill as well. My boss was a total nightmare to put it nicely. This caused me to feel even worse at myself.
That feeling of mediocrity was back.
I had worked so hard for five years. And now for what? I was being told by my boss that I was essentially horrible at my job. Yep. You read that right. In my one and only review, she did not even have one positive thing to say about me.
It was soul crushing. I also realized my heart wasn’t in it. This wasn’t the field for me after all. I went on interviews at other design firms. It all felt fake and forced.
I am the furthest from fake and forced. One of my longstanding values has always been to try to be authentic.
I went back to square one.
But what did I want to do? Where do I even start trying to discover who I truly am?
I took to the internet. Outside of my miserable design job, this became my side hustle. I researched anything and everything I could find while sitting in my parents basement. I took every career, life, and personality assessment I could get my hands on, trying to figure out where I belonged.
What was my purpose?
To be a helper.
That is what it all boiled down to. All of the assessments, quizzes, and values exercises came together to tell me something I knew already but was scared to attempt.
But then I did. I decided at that moment that I wanted to help others find their own brand of happiness, define their own goals, overcome their shit, own their awesomeness, and live their best lives.
It was what I was born to do.
I really struggled to find myself and my purpose in life. I still struggle with thinking I am just mediocre. I have to challenge that mindset every single day.
Because of my struggles, I am where I am today. It has made me into who I am. And it’s the reason why I wake up and do what I do every day.
I want to help others find their own joy, passion, and purpose. I want to help women who are feeling stuck and overwhelmed with life. I want to see them transform into feeling more empowered to create and live their dream life.
I know it isn’t easy. I lived it. It’s a challenge.
I am still creating my dream life. It’s a work in progress.